Who To Confide In And Who NOT To!

One friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen to us as we consider a problem, can change our whole outlook on the world. — Dr. E. H. Mayo

When we are seeking relationship advice – or a sounding board – we need to choose that listening ear with care. We need to protect our relationship from unhelpful or toxic influences, just as we would protect a treasured plant from inhospitable conditions in our garden.

In this day of instant information and advice, I hope these guidelines will help you select trustworthy advisors.

When we need to talk

We all have times when we need to talk about a concern or issue in our partnership or dating relationship. Perhaps we are upset about something that has happened, frustrated with a recurrent problem or unable to let go of a resentment. At such times, it can be helpful to talk it out with someone. And it is in our best interests to choose that “someone” consciously and wisely.

I confess that I was horrified to learn about an Internet site designed to help people decide whether or not to leave their marriage. Individuals post their marital problems and then ask for others’ advice on whether or not they should leave. Anyone can weigh in with their opinion. Yikes! I liken this to someone with a health issue, who solicits advice from anyone and everyone — regardless of their medical knowledge and experience.

Consider the risk

I believe there is a real danger in exposing your precious primary relationship to the opinions and judgments of others, without discrimination. I believe we need to be responsible for who we permit to influence us.

This is doubly important when we are upset or struggling with a relationship challenge. At such a time, we are emotionally vulnerable – perhaps confused – and we are additionally susceptible to the influence of others.

If we receive wise counsel at such a time, we can experience a breakthrough in our own personal and relational growth. If we receive poor counsel, we may get stuck or side-tracked in a way that isn’t at all helpful to our relationship – and may actually harm it.

What to look for

When in need of positive support, here are some guidelines of what to look for in a confidant:

1) Someone who sees you as a responsible choice-maker, NOT a victim of your circumstances.
2) Someone who is supportive of you as an individual AND is also supportive of your relationship.
3) Someone who will listen with loving kindness, yet also give honest feedback when asked.
4) Some who accepts and respects you — and your decisions.
5) Someone who conducts themselves in relationships in a way that you respect and admire.
6) Someone who will celebrate your relationship success.

Watch for these red flags

When you are looking for constructive relationship support, I suggest you avoid the following:

1) Someone who can’t keep a confidence. The last thing you need is to have the privacy of your relationship compromised or gossiped about.
2) Someone who will blame or judge your partner – or will collude with you in blaming your partner. Blaming will not solve the problem or help you connect with your own power. It is a tempting side-track that never leads to problem resolution. Blaming will keep you angry and stuck.
3) Someone who has an “axe to grind” or is chronically negative – about men, women, relationships, etc. Such an individual has a negative agenda and may be looking for proof of their perceptions. They won’t be able to hear you objectively or listen with an open mind.
4) Someone who thinks they know what you need/want/should do – better than you do. This individual will want to tell you what to do, rather than listen for what YOU want.
5) Someone who isn’t supportive of your relationship succeeding. This person may look for an opportunity to say “I told you so”, rather than help you constructively resolve the situation.
6) Someone who doesn’t respect your relationship values.

Choose the best

So be discriminating about who you confide in — and who you don’t. Nourish yourself and your relationship by choosing your relationship confidants wisely. Protect your partnership from toxic opinions or advice — and feed it with the best of influences.

Until Next Time,

Shirley Vollett

Shirley Vollett, BSW PCC is a Life and Relationship Coach, with over 20 years of combined experience in counselling and coaching. She loves to empower single and divorced individuals, who are frustrated or discouraged in their relationship quest. Shirley helps them avoid past relationship mistakes and create a game plan for attracting the “right” person for them. www.shirley.vollett.com

Want To Get Married Later In Life?

If you are not yet married, but would like to be…no worries! People who get married later in life are more likely to live together beforehand and know what they are getting into. The relationship is also more likely to last and less likely to divorce.

Last month the US Census Bureau reported that the median age of people getting married for the first time in the 1950’s was 23 for men and 20 for women. But, in 2009 the median age for first time marriage was 28 for men and 26 for women. They also reported that marriages are lasting longer and more than half of married couples are together after 15 years, more than a third are together 25 years, and the rest are married more than 50 years. The vast majority of people get married, but while marriage used to be the first step into adulthood, it is now often the last. For many reasons, I believe that is a good step in the right direction.

Immature people tend to have immature relationships which often leads to unhappiness. When people take the time to figure out what they truly want out of life, and especially from a romantic relationship, they are more likely to be satisfied. Delaying marriage gives people time for education, the chance to grow their careers, and enables them to achieve personal goals without having to make sacrifices for the marriage. If you are still looking for the person you’d like to grow old with… chances are they are still looking for you as well!

Until Next Time,

Tracey L. Steinberg, Esq.
Life Coach and Dating Expert

The Most Commonly Ragged On Marital Problems

Oh, to leave single life behind and inherit a whole new list of things to whine about in life. Yup, once you’ve found love and true happiness, things just seem to take a dive. I mean, I hope that’s not really the case, but given the frequency that the following complaints come up, I’d say a lot of married life isn’t anything to brag about.

Not enough sex – The funny thing is, both men and women lodge this complaint a lot. What is enough? What is too much? Everyone has their own internal guide for this, and on one hand you can say it’s important to find a partner who meshes well with yours. On the other hand, I suppose it’s something that can easily be worked on between a couple.

Not enough sex part 2 – But in this case, only one person isn’t getting enough, while the other manages to get plenty. Yup, cheating. This becomes an issue both when it happens and when it’s suspected. Suspicion tends to grow much of the time out of the lack of sex within the marriage, and then the partner who feels left behind starts wondering what the other is actually up to.

Housework –
One person in the marriage feels they do too much work and the other isn’t doing enough. Or, the other doesn’t do a good job at what they do. Or, the divvying up of tasks is simply too sexist. Yup, housework causes a lot of marital tiffs. Will it ever end?

Wanting sexy back – Spouses remember their partner from their heyday, and as the years go by they watch them let themselves go. One partner gets out of shape, starts dressing poorly and pretty much just fails to make any effort to look appealing. Longing for those good ol’ days, or being unwilling to at least try to keep yourself looking good, are huge causes for marital issues.

Marital problems are hardly a secret these days. We’ve all heard of them and some of us have experienced them firsthand. Let us know which of these problems are the worst, and add some to our list. Just give us your comments by clicking on the link below.

Until Next Time,

Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert

Debunking The Reasons To Fear Commitment

Why do so many men fear settling down with a woman they claim to love? No, that’s too harsh. Why do so many men fear setting down with the woman they do, really and truly, love? There are a lot of reasons that they would list off, some favoring one more than the next, but are any of these reasons really worth a grain of salt?

Does being a single man really mean being a freer man?

It’s easy to feel that settling down means you will lose freedom. Being single was full of wilder days, after all. But the truth, for most men, is that type of freedom can’t be reclaimed by ending a relationship. This is because most of the reasons for single life’s freedoms have to do with the people around us, and our youth. Neither of these things remain the same as time goes by.

How long is forever, really?

Let’s get cynical. Forever feels like an incredibly long time, but come on take a chance. Forever does not mean forever, anymore. And even if it did, even if we want to accept that we are really committing to spending our lives with this one person… is that not better than spending that amount of time without someone we care about?

Are those other things in life actually more important?

When you’re a single man, you get to choose your priorities. These will often involve friends and career. Marriage could very well affect both of these aspects of your life, but here’s a hard truth: Those who tend to prioritize things like career throughout their adult lives tend to be a lot less happy in the long run.

Do you fear commitment? Do any of these thoughts touch upon your reasoning for it, and do the counter arguments make valid points in your mind? Click on the link below to our comments section, and share your thoughts on this issue and help start a dialogue.

Until Next Time,

Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert

Why Are You Afraid of Marriage?

It’s not just men who are afraid of marriage. A lot of women feel like they want to avoid marriage too, but why? What is it about all that comes with the married life that makes us want to run? It can be a lot of things, really. For the most part though it’s some pretty simple ideas that keep us afraid of it though.

For many, it’s simply a matter of your parents’ marriage having not worked out. When you grow up in a home with divorced parents, it’s harder to imagine how married life can actually work. It’s not even that we don’t want to believe in it, it’s just that all of our first hand experience shows us it won’t work. This is especially true if we witnessed arguing a lot during the last days of their marriage.

Similarly, even those of us who don’t have divorced parents have witnessed breakup after breakup. Our friends get divorced, celebrities get divorced, and the news reminds us that marriages are a 50/50 deal these days, with so many of them failing at one point or another.

A more common reason for being afraid of marriage is the thought that it will lead to boredom. Especially when the long term relationship we’re in hasn’t really lasted that long yet, it’s hard to understand how marriage can be exciting. I mean, the same person forever? Really? This is usually the thought that makes us walk so slowly down the aisle.

Then there are those who associate marriage with weddings. This is easy to do, and understandable, but they aren’t one in the same. Still, the thought of having to plan and then suffer through such a celebration can drive a lot of people batty. That makes popping the question near impossible. “Will you, Jeannie, spend a year going completely insane with me while we spend thousands of dollars on a party in hopes of getting thousands of dollars in presents?”

Wow, this got cynical fast. Tell you what, why not you take over. Let us know some of the things you think or have encountered over the years. What is it that keeps people from wanting to get married, where is the fear? Add a comment below to share your thoughts.

Until Next Time,

Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert