If you are like most people, you will choose your partner because you expect him or her to be fun to be with, reliable, and trustworthy. As well, you will want your want to feel a closeness with your partner, with the certainty that he or she really cares about you.
However, with the best of intentions, you may end up with a partner who rather than building you up, drains your energy. This type of person is, what I call, the Needy Toxic Person. With such a person, you might hope that if you meet your partner’s needs, and keep him or her happy, he or she will want to be with you in a long-term relationship. However, with such a person, you may end up getting used, as opposed to getting filled up and building the loving relationship you want to have.
The Needy Toxic Person has a bottomless number of needs. They have problems with their boss, their coworkers, their parents, their health, and are generally worked up about some aspect of their life most of the time. They get easily worked up, frustrated or irritated with aspects of their life, and they look for a comforting friend to listen to them and offer helpful advice.
Such a person will value you and want to partner up with you if you are kind and nurturing. If you are a good listener, they will begin to turn to you for comfort and support. This may be positive in terms of looking at a longer term relationship. However, the issue is, Is this relationship good for you in the long term?
The Needy Toxic Person is a user, and will exploit your for your kindness and support. But what tends to happen is that while such a person is good at taking, they don’t usually want to give back. And so what often happens, for example, is that you may be talking on the phone, listening to your partner, and offering helpful suggestions. But then, when it comes time for them to show an interest in you, and listen to you, they will say something like, “I’ve got to go now. But it was great talking to you!”
Ultimately, not very satisfying. There is usually the hope with such a partner that they will start valuing you, and in time, start giving back to you. However, outside of the fact that they will value your company because of the caring you offer, they will not be interested in your well-being. They will be interested in you to the extent that you meet their needs and make them happy. But should you start asking for equal time or expect your partner to provide support to you, such a partner may choose to move on, stating that the love is gone.
In the end, such a person will be a waste of your time. Although you will have fun in the beginning, such a person is not reliable, and will usually move on when you start speaking up or wanting more for yourself.
How can you avoid getting involved with a Needy Toxic Partner? You need to start valuing yourself. You are worthy of having a partner who is for you, who builds you up, who cares about how you feel and your happiness. You deserve a partner who wants a win/win relationship.
If you have a tendency to accept less than what you really want, you need to focus on building your own self-confidence. Your partner will treat you according to how you feel about yourself. This means, if you want your partner to truly value you, you need to work on valuing yourself.
How to do this? By learning to become proud to be you, and recognizing the wonderful person you are. If you want to improve the quality of your romantic relationships, and find a partner who cares about you, I recommend that you read my new book, Transform Your Life Now by Andrea J. Moses. You can learn more about this book on www.getyourlifeunstuck.com. What you will discover by reading this book will change your ability to be strong and self-confident. From a place of self-pride, you will be able to create a loving relationship with a partner who truly cares about you.
Until Next Time,
Andrea J. Moses, M.S.W.